A/N: A bulk of my autumn entries, from losing friendships to vivid dreams. Trying to piece together what it all means, and the grief! Always the grief. Very sincere and very open. May you find solace in this.
September 1st, 2024
A dream with friends. A desire and a knowing. I pulled the Ten of Wands this morning and I realize I can drop it.
I can let go. It doesn’t matter anymore. I cannot lose anything. Love is love and never gone or lost. Whatever, wherever we are at. It just doesn’t stop. And there are more important things I care about than bitterness and anger that stems from a childhood wound that claims you lost and boohoo.
It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about loving. And you can never really lose when you have loved. “Only acts remembered with love are real”.
September 2nd, 2024
It’s not crazy but the more I come back to myself the less I care about how others are doing. The less hungry I am for something outside myself. It’s almost like all love and satisfaction exists in here. Within.
“Here is where the birds sing, here is where the sky is blue,” to quote Mr. Emerson.
September 4, 2024
I dreamt with a river, large, white and full, somewhere in the Amazon.
I had a little kayak made out of cardboard that I thought would dissolve in the rocky parts of the rivers. But the rapids were brief and my little boat remained. It was stronger than I had thought.
I can endure all parts of the river. I am strong like the river.
September 5, 2024
Another dream with water!
This time I was crossing a body of water. I wanted to take the ferry but I accidentally ended up on a boat. I thought the boat couldn’t take me across and in the dream it did. The waters were blue and the sky clear. Open water during the summer. People swimming off the boat. I was someone else. I feared water might fill the boat.
Why do I keep being on boats over water? Always afraid my boat won’t be enough to take me there. “If I had a ferry, I could do it.” “If I had the right kayak material.”
I’m always afraid of choppy waters or that I’ll sink. Maybe it’s not the water or the boat, it’s me. My own fears keep me from moving forward.
September 6, 2024
I dreamt with a mirror I accidentally broke and shards of glass went everywhere. Not fully broken, numerous shards all over my boudoir. Shards that hurt others. It was a war torn country and I sold cheap jewelry and many other things happened.
The biggest symbol was of the broken mirror, the shattered self. Accidentally changing the mirrored identity. The self is breaking, and it was not intentional but its happening all the same.
Less about J and more about what it means to love to me. Do we ache and suffer when those we love aren’t there when they used to be? I know I need to tell him how I feel but I’m not quite ready yet.
I want to transmute this leftover bitterness that isn’t truly mine. I don’t want to think I’ve already lost. I want to keep choosing differently. I am so different now.
September 9, 2024
I dreamt I was waiting for a plane that kept changing times. I kept adjusting my schedule, getting rid of my luggage just to catch it. But when I stood in front of the entrance, the flight attendant ignored me and shut the gate.
I thought it my fault. “I didn’t speak up.” But in retrospective, the plane was flying to Toronto, a place I had no interest in going to. I was trying to catch the plane just to try and catch it.
I remember that I can’t miss what’s meant for me. No matter how many times I try and try to catch that plane, I can only miss it if its not meant for me.
A relief, a reminder, go slower, there’s still so much time.
September 10, 2024
Rest day, rewatching Charmed.
Sometimes I need days where I watch copious amounts of TV (that has deep significance to me) and I spend the majority of the day on the couch. Resting is healing, it’s necessary. No more shame in my choices and what I feel called to do.
A more authentic way of being requires this. To back myself up, no matter how much I want to berate myself. Authenticity above all. Authentic to the moment I’m in and freedom. Freedom, wildness, whatever that means.
I love Charmed! How I adore the witch archetype and how I love to return to it over and over again.
September 13, 2024
Dreamt with being chased. Anxiety inducing. Fear that I cannot overcome my financial situation and fear of friendships never returning. But even in a dream, a desire to walk to the ocean, wet my feet. Water is always present, a big cry is in order.
I don’t know what shade of grief this is but I have new ink. Blue. Blue means protection. I always want to protect myself from my own thoughts and fears.
Thanatos means death, but the process has already occurred.
September 21, 2024
Last day of summer. Worked on my substack and kissed my pets. I must move to London. Strange how magic and synchronicity works. My sealskin is getting wet again.
September 22, 2024
First day of fall. A chocolate croissant and an iced coffee. I’m listening to Phoenix and it’s cold. I’m so different than I was at the beginning of summer.
I have let go completely about how my friendships are supposed to look like. I keep letting go more and more. I have no control at all. Only my choice and the energy I bring to the moment.
Later,
Thinking about change and routine and transition.
A man bought his girlfriend Practical Magic, I convinced her she should get it. She was so excited as I explained the book series. And he kissed her as I spoke because he loved her joy. That moved me so much.
Love is a glass ceiling I can’t break. I don’t love myself enough I guess.
September 23, 2024
I dreamt I was one of the Charmed Ones and I had powers. I think I was still trying to balance a normal life. I’m afraid of the things I still need to solve but I must do to move out from LA. This is essential and inevitable.
There is a perception of how things look and there’s a perception of how things are.
September 24, 2024
Listening to Honey Marmalade. How lovely to hear friends express their core identities. Beautiful gift.
Another dream of my personal haunted house in Mexico. I’m leaving that narrative. Publishing my substack about walking to wuthering heights. I miss my friends and the time will soon come to rejoin them.
September 27, 2024
We need others to believe in us implicitly. Grateful for the love even when I feel undeserving of admiration or affection. If I could see myself through other’s eyes. I think so poorly of myself, I don’t like myself very much.
I keep dreaming of the house in Mexico. My perpetual haunted house. My father was there. Always brings comfort.
September 30, 2024
September ends with going to the water. The sea, the tear finally shed. The task, the work ahead.
How did we end up here? The eternal question. What goes on now? The inherent direction. Choosing peace and inner strength.
Later, 3:49pm
Manhattan Beach, months after my birthday, again. This time I came with my sisters.
Last time I put my feet into a body of water it was the River Rothay in England, now it’s here in the water. How it calls. To return to the water is our human duty. The work is always complex but easy.
Diligence. Discipline is devotion. Devotion. Devoted to something greater than ourselves.
October 1st, 2024
My sister went back to Mexico and life goes on. October, at last, arrives and I have hope for the future. It’s inevitable. The work is here and in the now, we cannot run anymore. We plunge into the darkness and beauty of this autumn.
October 4, 2024
Dinner with E today! Slowly returning to interacting with friends. And yet I feel afraid to disturb this beautiful peace I have found. Yet it’s so necessary to keep balance in life. That’s my biggest challenge, to be in a certain energy (introverted or extroverted) and have to revert to another mood. I always want to linger when the party has ended.
I forgot my book (Women Who Run with the Wolves), my security blanket of darkness. I want to linger in the dark and not leave its warm embrace. Sensitive to the light, I pull myself out of my cave and embrace friends again.
Yet the fear that I will feel the same weakness of before, that I will fall victim to my own shortcomings and desperation for love. And yet the antidote remains the work, the creative life. That’s the balm, isn’t it?
To constantly be in conversation with yourself. To commune with the soul via the method you feel most alive. Writing remains that for me. A private world of release that becomes expansive when I share it with others.
Been listening to Alex Turner/Arctic Monkeys alot. Comfort and communion with the animus within. I wish I had his powers of expression, create weird worlds and not ever really explain. My sweetest of dreams is to never have to explain myself to anyone. To be accepted in totality. Acceptance as love.
Also, a new crush enters like a devil to anti-quote sighswoon. I don’t want to fall off my path and yet the necessity to see the opening on the wall and jump over to see what lies there.
Not questioning things anymore. I fall into traps when I look for traps. Trust involves being on your side. That’s the hardest task, I think, to stand by yourself even if others won’t.
Pulled the Fool today. “New, shiny, with many teeth”. We’re always walking on air, a great ball floating in space.
October 5, 2024
Went dancing and drinking. Two rosés, one nasty merlot, and two frozés. Made out, danced, got felt up. Transmuted the energy and ate an incredible burger.
Wore high heels the whole night. Getting better at them. The stronger I get in yoga, the better I walk. Trust. Very sleepy.
October 7, 2024
I dreamt I was in a heather field, purple like Yorkshire. I began to levitate a little off the ground. I was trying my hardest to hover over the ground. And I succeeded!
Eventually I found a broom and was attempting to use my powers to fly. I was levitating with my own powers, like a witch, but with concentration and practice.
October 10, 2024
Yesterday a mouse showed up to work like a prince under a spell wishing a witch (me) to break it.
October 11, 2024
Dreamt with the guy I have a crush on.
In the dream, we are both drunk and he begins to confess his love/affection for me. I negate him and grow anxious. I want to escape. It can’t be. It’s too good to be true (it was a dream of course).
While he confesses, his face looks haggard, old and different. As if at once he proclaims to love me he turns into a beast, as if loving me makes him ugly. Anything that wants me must be wrong or cursed.
At last, I accept and walk away with him. He turns beautiful again, we walk down a prairie path. I reach for his hand, he grasps mine. It is incredibly strong and warm. So warm, the sweetest sensation ever imagined. Still I ask incredulous, why do you even like me?
No answer because the dream ends here. Simple enough to understand. The unhealable flaw within, the idea of being forever marred.
A customer named Camille told me about St. Therese. A young woman who held so much love and faith, I love girl saints so much. Love essence personified. They called her “the little flower”.
October 12, 2024
Cut my bangs too short last night and started rewatching Over the Garden Wall.
Changing is really hard. Choosing differently is a task onto itself. But we must until the day we arrive, look at ourselves, and see how utterly different we are. Transformation. The High Priestess is the card I’m working with.
October 13, 2024
Yoga, writing, pumpkin pancakes. This is a fine morning.
Getting better at communing with myself first thing in the morning. Writing as the key, the core, the center. Yoga to stabilize.
Dreamt with an active shooter. Symbolism of the eternal fear something is out to get me. Must rewrite this mindset. Too many mindsets to rewrite and let go of. But so eternally necessary. In ten years, I want writing and yoga to be as natural as kissing Salem first thing in the morning.
October 14, 2024
Woke up very late today (12:23pm) but trying to make peace with it and not see the day as wasted or over. First writing because it takes precedence. Then I have to brainstorm how to go from here to there. Clean restroom. Respect myself.
I am thinking of her, future Alice. I am always thinking of her. We do it for her.
October 23, 2024
First day of Scorpio season and I pull The Devil. The work ahead is always interior, I have so much guilt inside. The real forgiveness involves forgiving myself, making peace with my own self.
I feel so guilty of how I let things in my life get so bad, I slowly have to undo my private traps. Can I have grace in the process? Can I try to forgive myself a little each day?
It’s a work in progress. I yearn to release myself from self-imposed shackles. Only I have the key. The Devil always represents shame. The Devil is always inside. Little by little, I let this shame go.
October 24, 2024
Nightmare in which I was in England with no money, no return ticket home, and no place to stay booked. I was anxious and scared. I was in the Lake District and there were conch houses/cottages.
Dream is a reflection of what I fear shall come to pass if I leave.
October 25, 2024
Re-centering myself. Coming back to my body and the actual work (writing).
The crush continues with interesting developments. I made him laugh. How I love making handsome men laugh. It’s an in for me. I don’t care for outcomes anymore. I just want to defeat this curse that tells me no one will ever like me. No one handsome that is.
His eye contact is so strong, overwhelming, I can’t help but look away. His eyes, blue or green. I can’t tell. His hair, black, boyish, the 90s River Phoenix cut I love so much. Something tired and forlorn about his face I like. He probably has a girlfriend, but who cares. The experience of the crush is the goal.
I woke up with a bruise, ghost or dream, lover or spirit who can say? Except that the magic of the bruise, like a hand or thumb holding onto my wrist so tightly. Perhaps it is he, he who I dream of, holding me across time and space.
October 26, 2024
Tired, dreamt with friends and it felt like nothing changed. J still making tea. Going dancing tonight, only five days til Halloween. The veil is thin and I’m changing.
Later, 3:49am
Two ruby earrings, devil horns, poppers and nicotine. New wave disco when it’s almost Halloween. A love so clean, it’s everywhere and I feel so terrible feeling the grief. But the eternal rule of love is that it does not decay. No matter what your rotten mind says. This last change rushes in. Saying yes to love.
It’s Sylvia Plath’s birthday. I rather feel intensely and eat all the figs. I love you, Alice.
October 27, 2024
Happy birthday Sylvia Plath. We’re always eating our figs in your honor. Thank you, darling girl. Lovely, brave woman. I see you across time and I thank you.
October 28, 2024
A cold morning in October. As the days til Halloween get closer, the days get cooler. The liminal space opens wide, a transformative world ahead. I’m trying to let go. I’ve already let go.
Now I wait and follow the wind to tell me where to go. So many possibilities in the world yet the true possibility is the one that sparks the most joy.
October 30, 2024
Long dream, at the airport. Catching a plane to Australia. Keep experiencing delays, both from me and the plane. I keep being late, distracted. It’s hard to find the gate, it keeps changing. Once on the plane, I arrive in Australia.
Then, on a paved highway road that moves with the ocean waves. The number 888 on the plane. Many 8s. Almost Halloween, these dreams have significance.
October 31, 2024
It’s Halloween! Night of magic, change, transformation. Very different than last year but ever so precious. We are precisely where we are meant to be. Magick to create the new chapter, it’s Alice in Europe or the UK or whatever.
I know, I know, I know. In my heart I know it’s time to go.
November 1st, 2024
Ritual yesterday. The altar of consistency. I published a substack. Veil so thin, I’m aware of my fears and what needs to be done. I don’t fear the outcome of everything. Its better than living out a lie. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. Acting like I don’t know what I my soul wants.
Leaving it all behind.
November 6, 2024
Another election where America’s lack of education, prominence to put fear before compassion prevails.
What ills this country is the lack of education and fear-mongering. If the future exists it thrives in the gutters. I don’t condemn anything because they know not what they do or who they hurt. All we can do is continue our work. Be the light you wish to see in the world and what not.
I dreamt with roaches and other bugs coming from the bathroom sink. Things I fear coming to the surface. What is suppressed finally rises up. I’m not sure it’s the political climate or rather more personal for me.
What we resist, persists. Perhaps this is all a bad infection we need to see through. If America creates such a virus, let it see it through. Inevitable and sad.
And yet we shall stay here and do our work. Hope, compassion, and love, nothing fucking else. Thank spirit for waking up another morning and hold yourself as the vessel. Everything is within.
November 7, 2024
So many dreams!
In the house in Twin Avenue with a quinceañera outside. They are our family and friends. Then the party shifts, we are near a coastal town. There is a guy, he’s a magician performing a show. I help out by wielding two blades for the trick. He asks if I want a strong blade or a swift blade, I choose the swift one. I cut down a present that reveals itself to be a large wedding/party cake. It’s strange.
Then, I’m underground, at the airport but I’m actually at work. I see coworkers from my current job.
I’m trying analyze my desire for the things I cannot have. What’s this stubbornness? What do I think I achieve if I conquer the unconquerable? I speak about crushes and men who have no interest in me. What’s this desperate desire to be liked? And why isn’t it the same as being seen? If someone sees me exactly as I am and I see they do and they get it, an instant panic arrives. Always an urge to hide and I’m overcoming it.
I miss my friends but I don’t know what my relationship is to them anymore. Sometimes you just have to let go. I realize that in my dream I was the Two of Swords embodied. And I KNEW which sword I wanted.
November 8, 2024
Texted both K and M cause I miss them and I don’t want to live with a closed heart. And yet…
A part of me knows this cycle is ending and I need to let go. It doesn’t mean we’ll never be friends or anything like that, but the container, the desire has to be let go. You cannot return to how things were before. Impossible.
You can only stay on the path you know and love. Perhaps love is a strong word, but there is beauty and joy and, yes, love to be found on this path, no matter how lonely it feels sometimes. There’s something beautiful ahead. I always believe this.
K texted me back cause she always does. A coloring book of Alice in Wonderland reminds her of me.
Obsessed with The Great Impersonator, both album and song. “Does a story die with its narrator?” A great lyric, makes me reflect on all this work. Death is inevitable, even now I acknowledge that. Everything eventually ends to be reborn new.
November 15, 2024
Dreamt I was taking the bus somewhere and all of the sudden a psychic shows up. Without knowing me or my name, he tells me I will go to England. He shows this message in his cards (playing cards). I ask him to show me again cause I don’t believe him (it’s literally written in the cards).
About my lover, he cannot say or give a concrete answer. He says that he (my lover) has his own things going on and fate and things might change. But the message uplifts me. I ride the bus. Then, I see a couple driving into an ocean or huge river. The water is so green, so are their eyes.
It is a full moon in Taurus.
November 16, 2024
The full moon has knocked me out, sensitive, tired and unable to fully sleep. A realization of so much. Letting go forevermore.
There’s something better, there always is.
November 17, 2024
Trying to recall a dream is like trying to discern the figures in a fog. Sacred day of rest. All day practicing rest as presence.
My north is Patti Smith who sustains me. My south is Lana del Rey who reminds of who I am. My west is Anaïs Nin who is always the aim. My east is Emily Brontë who is all I’ll ever be.
The blue diary is the next project, then the red diary.
November 19, 2024
I’m already thinking of next year, the time is that is slowly moving. Such a bright year ahead. There are many changes that will occur yet the biggest lies in me. I no longer can accept certain things. Transcribing the diary has led to this. A well-known feeling so much so that it becomes a fact. Seek out those who seek you.
November 23, 2024
A spell has been broken. Dreamt with my friends, doing the same old things. I was bored, it never changes. An eternal love exists and a gratitude, but to quote Harry Styles “I got over it”.
I think they were important and might be again one day, but right now, letting go is so natural and feels right. Another life awaits.
I wore my citrine for the first time yesterday since losing the friendship. No longer a symbol of my friends but of me. The gem of the card of the month. “But I saw something they can’t take away”. Re-reading and transcribing the entries of the trip to England gave me a fresh perspective. What I always love and what I always need.
“I want flatlands”. And the moors and the sacred thunderstorms.
I am getting my period.
November 24, 2024
I found the theme of my life: the dream.
Always been there in plain sight. The more I follow the dream/my dreams, the more aligned I am. The blue diary will be about this theme. Embodying it as art and as truth.
